It is absurd to hold that a man ought to be ashamed of being unable to defend himself with his limbs but not of being unable to defend himself with speech and reason, when the use of reason is more distinctive of a human being than the use of his limbs.
-Aristotle

Precious

Life is precious. I am reminded when I see the lines around my eyes and mouth, because they show me that some time has passed since I was a bouncy thing filled with verve like my daughter is now, at four years old. I don't mind the lines, they are almost comforting. But, they are a reminder to live each day to the fullest, because the time will come, sooner than I'd like, when there will be more wrinkles than smooth skin and the opportunities to make changes in my life will be in the rearview mirror.

I think about the people who I read about who have died this week. There is a vast ocean of injustice that floods over me with a sense of sadness. I don't believe in the death penalty. Especially, I don't see any justification in our society to not evaluate all of the facts, examine evidence with new technology, and listen to every voice that could change the outcome for that person whose life is now on a line with a fixed endpoint. A line that no longer stretches out to the horizon and blends into that region where you can almost see the infinite.

I also don't believe that children, even as old as their early 20's, should be forced to tolerate constant abuse. Verbal, physical, or virtual. If you have a belief system that says homosexuality is a sin, then you should teach your children to pray for someone's soul with a sense of compassion, not condemnation or scorn. There should be no more taunting and tormenting these children who know they are different. Some are courageous enough to stand up and say they are different. Some do not out of fear. And some are labeled because they act differently than other kids, maybe are a bit shy, and have never expressed one opinion about their sexuality. We adults who are standing by must take a stand. You don't have to stick up for the kids who is gay, shy, or just plain different, but you damned sure need to stop the kids who think that this predatory and inhumane behavior is OK. It's not OK. It has never been OK. It was not called out for what it is before, people looked the other way. No more.

Clinics that provide women with physical exams, health screenings, contraceptives, and physician provided care are going out of business in Texas, because they would give a woman who ASKS for abortion information a referral. They don't give abortions. They provide healthcare. Instead, the state will send the money to a religious-based "clinic" that provides sonograms and "counseling" on adoption. This makes me wonder how this became appropriate in a state with the highest teen pregnancy rate and the lowest level of sexual education. No birth control and no physician provided professional healthcare, but a pseudo-clinic inside a church is acceptable. Are women so devalued they cannot think for themselves at ALL?

Women will make the right decision for them, and in the end, it's between them and their conscience only (and their belief in a higher power). I don't believe any of us should be living in a country where our government gets to tell us what to do with our body. I can donate a kidney if I want to. I can get tatoos and piercings if it suits me. I'm not saying those are close to the same as abortion, but they are issues of my personhood. My body and soul. I have a profound belief in the sanctity of all life, and can't imagine being in that position, because I have only one answer. But, I would never impose MY personal answer, my choice, on one single, solitary, individual in this world. It's not my business, nor is it my government's business in my view.

If you don't believe in abortion, give women clinics where they can get birth control. If you don't believe in abortion, give women a choice that includes all of their options, including adoption, including support (REAL support) if they keep their baby and are in terrible circumstances, and including abortion. If you don't believe in abortion, don't be a hypocrite... also defend the right to live of every SINGLE person on death row in EVERY state. We are behind the developed world in abolishing Capitol Punishment. THE WORLD.

So, I guess what I am getting at with all of this talk about death, and about suffering, is that we can make a change. We can send out ripples that will interrupt the flow of those waves of hate and anger. We can send out waves of humanity, compassion, and a sense of wonder and appreciation for ALL human life, no matter the color, age, gender, sexuality, or shoe size.

We can end the hypocritical soapbox speeches where people want to praise our country, but won't stand up for equal rights for everyone... Where people talk about the sanctity of life, but don't value all life with equal weight... Where people talk about family values, but don't support the young mother and father trying to go to school AND spend time with her child... Where people want to have healthier children free from disease, but turn in disgust when a mother breastfeeds her child in public, or giggle like adolescent boys at the sight.

If you want to be a patriot, value life, and support families, make sure you vote for people who will actually make sure that laws are passed that change our position on these issues as a society. Not who just talk about family values, or being a patriot, but who actually think it through to it's conclusion... what does it take to BE patriotic, to BE a strong community? We can get there if we stay involved, stay committed, and stay vocal.

That's MY soapbox for the week, maybe the month... it's a lot of soapbox, so I'll take a little break!

Strain

Everyone is feeling it right now. Strain at work, at home, at school. We are pushing ourselves hard, and it is not easy. We are able to keep up with the pressure, most of the time, by envisioning that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. That sense that we are approaching our destination; accomplishing a goal.

How do we make each day feel like an accomplishment? That is the key to making sure you can be happy and content each night when you go to sleep, and refreshed each morning when you wake up. I am hoping to keep enough focus this year to accomplish all of my academic goals, without becoming ill from the stress, without letting the stress undermine my progress, and without losing sight through each quiz, each exam, each week, that I am approaching my end goal of my degree. My desire to get that degree is not just a matter of pursuing higher education, nor just a matter of making more money, but they are necessary components of building a life of independence. A life where I am able to take time to spend with my daughter and give her the gift of time with her mother. And, yes, money to do the things that I know she loves and bring her joy, dancing, singing, and being a creative spirit.

I am starting to organize in the next 3 days for a 2-year-long journey. That is my reminder, my focus, my dedication. That I will reach that goal no matter what!

Patience

I am not the most patient person in the world. Probably the opposite. I try to improve a little more each day. I find that having a very intelligent, very outspoken, and very creative child have given more "opportunities" to try being more patient. Some days it works, some days not so much.

I am a fortunate parent. My daughter is able to express herself so clearly, and is so self-aware. She was utterly exhausted after a day at the county fair. She took rides in the stroller when the walking was too long. She drank lots of water and lemonade to keep cool. She rode many rides to have fun, and even tossed a few ping-pong balls to win a couple of goldfish. But, at the end of the day, breaks or not, it was too much. She said, "I miss my doggies, and I want to go home now." We started for the exits, which is in and of itself a trek. I took a brief detour for a fresh mango, which I thought would perk her up. Never found the mango, but the poor tired girl just collapsed on the sidewalk in front of her auntie and couldn't hold back the tears, and was overcome.

I scooped her up and we started for the car. On the way home, she kept crying that she wanted me to carry her. Being in the car and moving, of course I told her she had to stay in her carseat to be safe. She was very upset, and I told her it was OK to be upset, mad, and even to cry as loudly as she needed to cry. She wailed most of the way home, and I carried her immediately to her bed in her very cool room. She seemed likely to fall asleep within seconds. I headed upstairs to grab something to drink and drop off all the gear we were hauling around. She started calling from downstairs, and I heard her coming up the stairs but couldn't make out what she was saying. Finally, I reached her and, "I said I'm gonna puke!" She was dutifully walking upstairs to tell me, instead of going to her bathroom downstairs. She needed mommy.

As I swept her into the bathtub and let her relax, get rinsed off, and cooled her down, I realized how amazingly fortunate I really am in this life. I have the smartest and funniest young companion. She always tells me what is going on in her head, her heart, her tummy. She still needs mommy when she feels sick. I will miss this someday. And yes, even the puke. It will all be missed to the point of tears, I promise you.

And, so, I learn more patience every day that I am still walking, running, shuffling along. I am grateful for that. That and so much more.

Creativity

So many people use the term creative to mean artistic or skillful, but I feel that is a misnomer. You can be creative in so many different ways. Albert Einstein was creative in how he viewed the universe, but he could not tie his own shoes. And, simply because someone is artistic or skillful in a craft does not mean they are necessarily creative. Having an original perspective is hard, when our views are formed by what we experience from the world around us, but it is possible. I am amazed at how many people in the art classes I have taken are very skillful with the tools they possess, but may not see how to use them in novel ways. I am impressed by how many people use very common images or themes and surprise me with how they put them together to tell a story that is interesting, funny, or very moving. I hope to be able to learn more about how to express myself skillfully and artistically, without losing the ability to express my own viewpoint, and how to craft my own viewpoint more precisely using the tools and skills that I have at my disposal.

That being said, here is an example of some of my craftsmanship using photoshop in my design class. I hope that I am expressing something interesting while being pleasing to the eye. Enjoy!

Making the most of it!

Life is tricky, tough, and sometimes downright exhausting. You have so many things to balance at one. I feel overwhelmed at times, but it sure is nice to have those days when you feel like you are making progress.

This is the time for final exams for me. I have been in college for so many years, it feels like I should have a PhD. But, each time I have had to regroup, I did so for good reasons. I don't regret the decisions that I have made. And, really, I could not have found myself in the position I am in now, getting ready for a program and career to which I feel so well suited. I also wouldn't have taken ceramics and art classes that have brought me so much satisfaction.

I have never been an artist in the pure sense, but I have got a great passion for things artistic. I always have had good and bad days when it comes to trying to create something artistic. Through the course work and practice I have had to do in my art classes has given me the discipline to finally be able to render what I see in my mind's eye. I have sometimes bumped heads with professors over style or personality, but I have learned from them each time. Because I am more mature now, I know how to take criticism and do better. I don't take it personally. I don't know if I could have done that when I was younger.

My science classes are now paying off in a big way. I have always wanted to apply my knowledge and abilities in this area, but was stuck with where to go with it. I thought pharmacy or nursing might be the answer, but by working in the laboratory at the university that is part of the program I am entering, I know that I am capable and suited to this field.

The good thing is, it feels like it is paying off this semester. I have hovered near A's in my classes, but with a three-year-old, strep throat, and G.I. issues this semester, I am so happy that I ended up with mostly B's. I have learned to be less hard on myself. I could have done better, but I am at peace with my choices to spend home time with my child. I don't get as much study time as I might, but she is a wonder and a delight to have in my life. I regret nothing.

That is one of the most important lessons I learned growing up, listening to our mentor in Buddhist faith, Sensei, Daisaku Ikeda: Live your life so that you have no regrets. Every mistake you make is a chance to grow, no matter how cheesy it sounds... it could be a poster at Successories, no doubt. But it is nonetheless true. That is how I make the most of it, mistakes, sucesses, bad days and good.

Does time fly?

There are days I think I have barely blinked and a decade has passed. But, on a good day, when I don't feel rushed or behind schedule, I feel like I am right where I am supposed to be. It's hard to get more good days with all the demands that we place, or allow to be placed, upon ourselves. I feel tied to my cell phone like a ball-and-chain sometimes, but I can't imagine not having it to look up contacts, send a quick note, or check my calendar.

There's one thing that helps me feel connected, maybe a little more grounded. It sounds cliche` but, stop and smell the roses. I stop to admire a particularly beautiful fall leaf, a little pool of water gathered in it's curvature by a sudden rain storm. I admire the work ethic of a robust squirrel burying an acorn. He digs furiously, places in the acorn, and stamps down the earth over it's top to make sure it is compact, then even takes time to push the grass back into place. I know intellectually that squirrels are driven by a comical genetic drive that will urge them to bury any spherical object, even if no soft substrate is present in which to dig. They will take a golf ball into the corner of a cage, and mimic the real-world actions I just described. But, that doesn't make me admire him any less. I chuckle and tell him, "Now, remember where you put that."

People may think I'm crazy talking to squirrels, but I think it's better than just talking to myself or rambling obnoxiously on a cell phone mysteriously cloaked by use of bluetooth. I want to watch that squirrel for a second or two. I want to enjoy the smell of the ground soaking up a rainstorm. I want to make sure that I feel my sense of time in space by relating to something that is non-technological and then, maybe, time won't fly quite so fast.

Then again, my baby who seems like she should still be a baby is running, dancing, making up stories to entertain me. So, it will be a constant battle. Anyone else feeling the urge to, "dream the impossible dream?"