Life is tricky, tough, and sometimes downright exhausting. You have so many things to balance at one. I feel overwhelmed at times, but it sure is nice to have those days when you feel like you are making progress.
This is the time for final exams for me. I have been in college for so many years, it feels like I should have a PhD. But, each time I have had to regroup, I did so for good reasons. I don't regret the decisions that I have made. And, really, I could not have found myself in the position I am in now, getting ready for a program and career to which I feel so well suited. I also wouldn't have taken ceramics and art classes that have brought me so much satisfaction.
I have never been an artist in the pure sense, but I have got a great passion for things artistic. I always have had good and bad days when it comes to trying to create something artistic. Through the course work and practice I have had to do in my art classes has given me the discipline to finally be able to render what I see in my mind's eye. I have sometimes bumped heads with professors over style or personality, but I have learned from them each time. Because I am more mature now, I know how to take criticism and do better. I don't take it personally. I don't know if I could have done that when I was younger.
My science classes are now paying off in a big way. I have always wanted to apply my knowledge and abilities in this area, but was stuck with where to go with it. I thought pharmacy or nursing might be the answer, but by working in the laboratory at the university that is part of the program I am entering, I know that I am capable and suited to this field.
The good thing is, it feels like it is paying off this semester. I have hovered near A's in my classes, but with a three-year-old, strep throat, and G.I. issues this semester, I am so happy that I ended up with mostly B's. I have learned to be less hard on myself. I could have done better, but I am at peace with my choices to spend home time with my child. I don't get as much study time as I might, but she is a wonder and a delight to have in my life. I regret nothing.
That is one of the most important lessons I learned growing up, listening to our mentor in Buddhist faith, Sensei, Daisaku Ikeda: Live your life so that you have no regrets. Every mistake you make is a chance to grow, no matter how cheesy it sounds... it could be a poster at Successories, no doubt. But it is nonetheless true. That is how I make the most of it, mistakes, sucesses, bad days and good.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Does time fly?
There are days I think I have barely blinked and a decade has passed. But, on a good day, when I don't feel rushed or behind schedule, I feel like I am right where I am supposed to be. It's hard to get more good days with all the demands that we place, or allow to be placed, upon ourselves. I feel tied to my cell phone like a ball-and-chain sometimes, but I can't imagine not having it to look up contacts, send a quick note, or check my calendar.
There's one thing that helps me feel connected, maybe a little more grounded. It sounds cliche` but, stop and smell the roses. I stop to admire a particularly beautiful fall leaf, a little pool of water gathered in it's curvature by a sudden rain storm. I admire the work ethic of a robust squirrel burying an acorn. He digs furiously, places in the acorn, and stamps down the earth over it's top to make sure it is compact, then even takes time to push the grass back into place. I know intellectually that squirrels are driven by a comical genetic drive that will urge them to bury any spherical object, even if no soft substrate is present in which to dig. They will take a golf ball into the corner of a cage, and mimic the real-world actions I just described. But, that doesn't make me admire him any less. I chuckle and tell him, "Now, remember where you put that."
People may think I'm crazy talking to squirrels, but I think it's better than just talking to myself or rambling obnoxiously on a cell phone mysteriously cloaked by use of bluetooth. I want to watch that squirrel for a second or two. I want to enjoy the smell of the ground soaking up a rainstorm. I want to make sure that I feel my sense of time in space by relating to something that is non-technological and then, maybe, time won't fly quite so fast.
Then again, my baby who seems like she should still be a baby is running, dancing, making up stories to entertain me. So, it will be a constant battle. Anyone else feeling the urge to, "dream the impossible dream?"
There's one thing that helps me feel connected, maybe a little more grounded. It sounds cliche` but, stop and smell the roses. I stop to admire a particularly beautiful fall leaf, a little pool of water gathered in it's curvature by a sudden rain storm. I admire the work ethic of a robust squirrel burying an acorn. He digs furiously, places in the acorn, and stamps down the earth over it's top to make sure it is compact, then even takes time to push the grass back into place. I know intellectually that squirrels are driven by a comical genetic drive that will urge them to bury any spherical object, even if no soft substrate is present in which to dig. They will take a golf ball into the corner of a cage, and mimic the real-world actions I just described. But, that doesn't make me admire him any less. I chuckle and tell him, "Now, remember where you put that."
People may think I'm crazy talking to squirrels, but I think it's better than just talking to myself or rambling obnoxiously on a cell phone mysteriously cloaked by use of bluetooth. I want to watch that squirrel for a second or two. I want to enjoy the smell of the ground soaking up a rainstorm. I want to make sure that I feel my sense of time in space by relating to something that is non-technological and then, maybe, time won't fly quite so fast.
Then again, my baby who seems like she should still be a baby is running, dancing, making up stories to entertain me. So, it will be a constant battle. Anyone else feeling the urge to, "dream the impossible dream?"
Saturday, September 11, 2010
In the DNA
For some of us, passive aggressive is in the family tree like diabetes, with roots that are long and storied. But, unlike a disease that will send you to the ER to get treatment, and prescribe a steady dose of insulin to treat the symptoms, PA is a syndrome that is insidious. It flares up in ways that are not apparent to the afflicted.
Those around us may wonder why we are so snarky, and we think it's our wickedly dry sense of humor. Maybe it's the combination of the dry humor and the PA that makes it difficult for our family in particular. We are funny sons of bitches when we get going, but when we're not entirely happy the line between sarcasm and PA is very fine. And, sadly, we have a hard time just stating what we want and not feeling guilty for it, so insinuation seems like it might get the point across, but it rarely does. Working on owning the right to feel what we feel is important.
Those outside our immediate family may not realize how powerful that is for someone who is raised without that right. My mom and aunts and uncles never had the right to their feelings. They passed along some PA to us offspring without realizing it, and deal with the consequences. I sometimes snark at my mother, who even if I feel justified, just deserves to have it said without the sting of attitude. But, even though I have the fortune to have grown up without the kinds of limitations that were placed upon her, I still don't just say outright and without sarcasm what I want to say. This has lead to hurt feelings in the past, and I am truly sorry.
My mother is working every day to improve herself, and has her own reasons for dealing with her painful past. As a way of saying thank you to her unending support and constant struggles with her demons, I have to apologize wholeheartedly. She doesn't deserve to have her only child give her flack. I am humbled when I understand how little she asks of me, and support and kindness are the least that she deserves.
If I'm having a bad day, I need to deal without putting any of it off on her. This is part of the aspect of Esho Funi. This is the principle of oneness of self and environment in our Buddhist teachings. There are other aspects than the all-inclusive nature of our environment and ourselves; there is the aspect that you can allow your environment to reflect on you and behave accordingly, or you can reflect back on your environment with your own choosing (positive or negative).
The idea is, you are in control of whether you let your environment bring you up or down like a boat on the ocean, or if you choose to raise or lower your sails and navigate a course of your own choosing. I am not rudderless and I have the ability to move this ship, so I will do so and bring along a flotilla of those I care for, making our way together to a world of our own making. A world that we hope will be better.
Hope is not a four-letter-word, no matter the hype it has gotten or flack it has taken. I will have a flag of hope raised on my mast, proudly.
Those around us may wonder why we are so snarky, and we think it's our wickedly dry sense of humor. Maybe it's the combination of the dry humor and the PA that makes it difficult for our family in particular. We are funny sons of bitches when we get going, but when we're not entirely happy the line between sarcasm and PA is very fine. And, sadly, we have a hard time just stating what we want and not feeling guilty for it, so insinuation seems like it might get the point across, but it rarely does. Working on owning the right to feel what we feel is important.
Those outside our immediate family may not realize how powerful that is for someone who is raised without that right. My mom and aunts and uncles never had the right to their feelings. They passed along some PA to us offspring without realizing it, and deal with the consequences. I sometimes snark at my mother, who even if I feel justified, just deserves to have it said without the sting of attitude. But, even though I have the fortune to have grown up without the kinds of limitations that were placed upon her, I still don't just say outright and without sarcasm what I want to say. This has lead to hurt feelings in the past, and I am truly sorry.
My mother is working every day to improve herself, and has her own reasons for dealing with her painful past. As a way of saying thank you to her unending support and constant struggles with her demons, I have to apologize wholeheartedly. She doesn't deserve to have her only child give her flack. I am humbled when I understand how little she asks of me, and support and kindness are the least that she deserves.
If I'm having a bad day, I need to deal without putting any of it off on her. This is part of the aspect of Esho Funi. This is the principle of oneness of self and environment in our Buddhist teachings. There are other aspects than the all-inclusive nature of our environment and ourselves; there is the aspect that you can allow your environment to reflect on you and behave accordingly, or you can reflect back on your environment with your own choosing (positive or negative).
The idea is, you are in control of whether you let your environment bring you up or down like a boat on the ocean, or if you choose to raise or lower your sails and navigate a course of your own choosing. I am not rudderless and I have the ability to move this ship, so I will do so and bring along a flotilla of those I care for, making our way together to a world of our own making. A world that we hope will be better.
Hope is not a four-letter-word, no matter the hype it has gotten or flack it has taken. I will have a flag of hope raised on my mast, proudly.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Making the best...
People say, "If life gives you lemons, make lemonade." That's sometimes easier said than done, but one thing is certain: if you can make the effort to turn it around, then the rewards are both immediate in your mood, and long term in the change in demeanor of those around you when you have elevated your attitude.
In our busy and increasingly full (in terms of activities or obligations) lives we forget that we still have control over our lives. We feel like things happen TO us while we are just trying to go from A to B to C. Well, if we cannot stop a moment and realize how we are acting in our environment, we will only ever be swayed by it like a ship in a storm. But if, like a wise sailor, we know when to raise and when to lower our sails to make the most of the wind we can use that energy to our advantage. Without applying that wisdom, that sailor would never get to their destination. Likewise, if we choose when to allow that energy to fill our sails and when it may be too much and rip them from the masts, then we can be more successful and happier in life.
In our busy and increasingly full (in terms of activities or obligations) lives we forget that we still have control over our lives. We feel like things happen TO us while we are just trying to go from A to B to C. Well, if we cannot stop a moment and realize how we are acting in our environment, we will only ever be swayed by it like a ship in a storm. But if, like a wise sailor, we know when to raise and when to lower our sails to make the most of the wind we can use that energy to our advantage. Without applying that wisdom, that sailor would never get to their destination. Likewise, if we choose when to allow that energy to fill our sails and when it may be too much and rip them from the masts, then we can be more successful and happier in life.
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