In the DNA

For some of us, passive aggressive is in the family tree like diabetes, with roots that are long and storied. But, unlike a disease that will send you to the ER to get treatment, and prescribe a steady dose of insulin to treat the symptoms, PA is a syndrome that is insidious. It flares up in ways that are not apparent to the afflicted.

Those around us may wonder why we are so snarky, and we think it's our wickedly dry sense of humor. Maybe it's the combination of the dry humor and the PA that makes it difficult for our family in particular. We are funny sons of bitches when we get going, but when we're not entirely happy the line between sarcasm and PA is very fine. And, sadly, we have a hard time just stating what we want and not feeling guilty for it, so insinuation seems like it might get the point across, but it rarely does. Working on owning the right to feel what we feel is important.

Those outside our immediate family may not realize how powerful that is for someone who is raised without that right. My mom and aunts and uncles never had the right to their feelings. They passed along some PA to us offspring without realizing it, and deal with the consequences. I sometimes snark at my mother, who even if I feel justified, just deserves to have it said without the sting of attitude. But, even though I have the fortune to have grown up without the kinds of limitations that were placed upon her, I still don't just say outright and without sarcasm what I want to say. This has lead to hurt feelings in the past, and I am truly sorry.

My mother is working every day to improve herself, and has her own reasons for dealing with her painful past. As a way of saying thank you to her unending support and constant struggles with her demons, I have to apologize wholeheartedly. She doesn't deserve to have her only child give her flack. I am humbled when I understand how little she asks of me, and support and kindness are the least that she deserves.

If I'm having a bad day, I need to deal without putting any of it off on her. This is part of the aspect of Esho Funi. This is the principle of oneness of self and environment in our Buddhist teachings. There are other aspects than the all-inclusive nature of our environment and ourselves; there is the aspect that you can allow your environment to reflect on you and behave accordingly, or you can reflect back on your environment with your own choosing (positive or negative).

The idea is, you are in control of whether you let your environment bring you up or down like a boat on the ocean, or if you choose to raise or lower your sails and navigate a course of your own choosing. I am not rudderless and I have the ability to move this ship, so I will do so and bring along a flotilla of those I care for, making our way together to a world of our own making. A world that we hope will be better.

Hope is not a four-letter-word, no matter the hype it has gotten or flack it has taken. I will have a flag of hope raised on my mast, proudly.